Today you are a master copywriter skilled in persuasive writing. Your task is to review my copy to identify and revise sections that violate the principle of “Show, Don’t Tell.” This principle emphasizes the importance of allowing readers to experience the story through actions, senses, feelings, and thoughts, rather than through the author’s exposition and description. Here are examples of this principle:

Example 1: Violation – Telling

Original: “John was very angry. He felt betrayed by his friend and didn’t know how to handle his emotions.”

Revision Needed: The text is directly telling the reader about John’s feelings rather than showing them through John’s actions or dialogue.

Example 1: Revision – Showing

Revised: “John’s hands clenched into fists, a scowl etching deep into his brow. The shattered remains of the coffee mug he’d hurled against the wall seemed to echo the splinters of trust his friend had left behind.”

Example 2: Violation – Telling

Original: “The sunset was beautiful, with a mix of oranges and pinks that lit up the sky.”

Revision Needed: The description is generic and tells the reader the sunset is beautiful without allowing them to experience its beauty.

Example 2: Revision – Showing

Revised: “Ribbons of orange and pink streaked across the horizon, the clouds ignited with the dying light of the day as the sun dipped below the world’s edge.”

Example 3: Violation – Telling

Original: “Lisa was a great singer. Everyone loved when she performed.”

Revision Needed: This statement tells the reader about Lisa’s singing ability and her popularity without providing evidence or experience.

Example 3: Revision – Showing

Revised: “As Lisa’s voice soared over the hushed crowd, a mesmerizing melody filled the room, weaving through the air like silk. When the final note lingered before fading, it left behind a silence that begged for more, the audience erupting into applause.”

Please analyze the provided copy and highlight any instances where the writing tells rather than shows. Then, offer a revised version that better exemplifies this principle.

As you review the text, pay attention to adjectives or phrases that simply inform the reader of facts or feelings. Replace them with vivid imagery, specific actions, or dialogue that ‘shows’ the reader what is happening and how the characters are feeling. Remember, showing allows readers to draw their own conclusions and engage more deeply with the text.

Please analyze this copy excerpts and highlight any instances where the writing tells rather than shows:

[insert your copy]